I just can’t. Not these days.
I say that phrase several times in a 24 hour period.
Whether it’s the laundry, the dishwasher or honestly, simple things like brushing my teeth or putting on clothes and not staying in my pajamas all day.
The last month has been really difficult. My car died, like transmission went BOOM so I sold it. Because I have no transportation I lost my job. So I have been homebound, with no income for a month. At this point I am depending on getting into this rent assistance program once I get my three day notice. But for me that’s a hairy, triggering and nerve wracking situation.
I never thought I’d be here again. Again. Again.
I hate saying that word. I’ve been here before though it was different circumstances I have been in a place where I can’t pay rent. Only that time I went to the rescue mission in Topeka, Kansas and stayed there for two months.
It’s leaving me feeling like a failure in some sense because the last two years has left me ripped open and sore. Both physically and mentally and I feel like I should have been able to stop some of it. The Chiari and the surgery I obviously had no control over but I always could have done this, or that or this.
It’s a look back type of situation and I keep beating myself up because it’s not just me I am dragging through this, its Abigail also. I don’t want her to grow up with these kinds of memories. I want to try and keep her as sheltered from the truth of this as possible but it’s difficult when she wants things I cannot provide.
My faith has taken a hit as well. To where I don’t even know what to pray anymore. Do I believe God has me here for a reason? I don’t know if I can believe in that truth anymore because this is REALLY SHITTY and I don’t seem to grasp on to the thought that I can believe in a God who would continually allow His children to suffer like this, or call this “discipline for poor choices”
I pray, I scream, I lament and wish I had sack and ashes because I would be sitting and mourning, praying and grieving if I did. I ask out right, I pray for discernment, for hope and for SOMETHING TO CHANGE.
But it never comes.
I just can’t.
I got all flustered on Wednesday because I started thinking about how I feel like I am failing as a Christian. I don’t do the things I used to do before my faith split and started percolating in a different direction. Then I look back and remember that those things were making me miserable and that I wasn’t any more of a believer than I am now.
My therapist had me look up a verse yesterday because I was stressed about not cultivating my relationship.
“Very truly I tell you. Whoever hears my word and believes in Him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but crossed over from death to life”
I had to process her telling me that just showing up, even when I am angry, even when I don’t understand or can’t see past the half hour in front of me that I have already done what He has called me to do.
I have believed.
So when I think about Lent and the holiness of the Resurrection coming and Christ coming out of that tomb in full resurrected, bodily form I think I can make it.
I can at least make it today.
I can, I just CAN.