I just looked over at Abigail, all of 7 ¾ and asked her what I should write about. She looked at me with those big, puppy dog brown eyes and said “me, write about me.”
How can I say no to that; I mean really.
I could write over 100 blog posts about her, about how she’s drastically changed my life for the better. I could talk about how when I look at her it feels like the breath leaves my chest. Since the day I found out she was going to “BE” my life hasn’t been the same.
I never saw past being a drug addict. From 12-24 that was my life; I never saw marriage or children. I couldn’t comprehend college or a job, a future or any of the things little girls normally dream about. My life was a chaos train that was moving fast toward a brick wall.
However on that balmy December day in 2005 I suddenly realized that I had a chance. I was being given a do over. The opportunity to start again, as someone’s mom. It still strikes me as a little crazy that God saw fit to give me a baby when I was addicted to drugs and living in a cheap, pay by the week motel yet He did and she and I are here as living proof that He’s a God of Grace.
The beginning of our relationship was like being thrown out of an airplane not knowing if your parachute was going to open. I had never been given any type of modeling from my own mother on what to do and was deeply neglected by all three of the parental figures in my life which left me at a literal loss with what to do.
It stayed hard for a long time. There were struggles and choices made out of me not knowing what to do or why I was feeling the way I was. When I was able to pin point what was going on the dry ground started to shift and change started to happen. That’s when our relationship started to grow and flourish into this beautiful thing it is today.
Today we laugh at jokes and then laugh some more when one of us snorts from laughing so hard. We spell our names backwards and it becomes the funniest thing since Buddy the Elf belched after drinking an entire 2 liter of soda.
She writes me love notes and hangs them up on the wall of the house. Over the weekend she made me a breakfast in bed coupon and then actually made me breakfast, well on the couch but you get my point. She’s equal parts sass and sugar and I wouldn’t trade one bit because she is exactly like me to the bone. I look at her today with her amazing personality and I want to weep with compassion for the mom in me who was told to break her spirit because she was stubborn and strong willed.
We have coffee, movies and first breakfast on Saturday mornings. We walk to 7/11 and make it an adventure (when really it’s because we don’t have a car) She makes me pancakes and brings me my coffee. On the night of each full moon we go out together in the night and plant our moon water. We dance beneath mama moon, grateful for her presence.
My girl loves little notes in her mailbox and surprises. Her heart jumps when hears her favorite song or when I watch her favorite movies and shows with her, and not just watch them but am interested in the characters. Can I tell you that I know ALL about Selena Gomez, Lab Rats, Good Luck Charlie, Frozen and Justin Bieber :0
She likes it when I dance with her, even more so when I agree to play the part of the handsome prince (somebody has to do it.) She feels big and she feels deep and these days she trusts me enough to tell me how she feels.
I couldn’t imagine our relationship being like this if things hadn’t changed, if I hadn’t made the decision to claim healing once and for all. It’s been a struggle, as I have gone deeper into climbing out of the darkness many things have to light that have caused several struggles.
Yet one thing remains clear I have one of the biggest reasons for continuing to walk forward and she’s 4 feet tall with curly brown hair and big, brown puppy dog eyes.
I have noticed a change in her over the last month. At first it was subtle but then all of a sudden it hit me. She’s growing up right before me and it’s a beautiful but hard thing to watch. She’s still a kid but she’s growing into the amazing person before my eyes. One who is strong and independent, and knows what she likes and doesn’t like. Her creativity and imagination astound me every day and when I look at her I am struck by the fact that she is my mini me.
I remain thankful each day that I have been blessed by being given the opportunity not just once but twice to be the mama to this little girl. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that at almost 33 I would be raising a child. Yet here we are, together. Walking this road as a family united by The Spirit and learning as we go.
I am thankful for second chances, for the God of grace and peace and hope. Without those things I doubt I would be able to look at where we have been and where we are now and see that there is life blooming even through the broken spaces.