Dear Abigail,

Today is your eighth birthday.  These 8 years have flown by but they have also felt very long.

It was December 2, 2005 at 315pm that the nurse called and said my pregnancy test was positive.  The joy I felt was unexplainable.  There were not good things happening in mommy’s life when I found out I was going to have you. But as soon as I heard the news I felt from God that this was the path I was supposed to be on and that everything was going to be okay.

Things hadn’t been good with your dad for a long time either and even though I quit doing some of the dangerous things that I was doing.  Your dad didn’t and things weren’t safe for you or I so I left.  I know that decision hurts you now, as you think about him.  One day I will be able to give you more o the truth so that you can make your own decision. 

Your life started with a flash.  First you weren’t ready to be born and then BAM! You changed your mind, decided you wanted the 27th to be your birthday and made your grand entrance into this world.  The first few minutes were scary.  You were a little blue and needed to be prodded. But then those beautiful lungs screamed and I knew.

You were here.

I was so tired after you were born.  But I think I had tired for a long time.  I wanted to have that bonding moment that so many mom’s seem to have I just wanted to eat and get cleaned up.

When they brought you to me and I looked at your little face. Your nose, your big puffy lips (like mommy’s) and those big, brown, puppy dog eyes.

I was instantly smitten with you.  Our time in the hospital together was spent snuggling, eating and me in awe that I had a baby.  I was still amazed that God was going to give you to me as a gift, I just didn’t understand then what that meant.

I did not know how to be a mom Abigail.  I knew only what my mom had done and that wasn’t something I wanted to repeat on her, but somehow I did.  I can’t say that I didn’t know any better is a good excuse.  I made some seriously horrible choices for so many years.  I didn’t know what or why I felt the way I felt.  The thing that made it scary was I thought it was a lack of faith or sin in my life.  I believed it was and tried everything in the church and the bible to change.

Those things weren’t the only kind of changes I needed.  I needed to discover why I was just so angry and controlling in our relationship.

I made the choice to start therapy in 2011 because I knew that our family was in trouble and that I needed to make some serious changes.  You were important enough to me to know that repeating vicious family cycles.  I wanted our relationship to be something different.  So I started therapy, started learning why I was so triggered and hurt and sad.

Once I started to make changes, things started to change with us.  It was nice.  Then when you started therapy things got better.

I don’t want to dismiss the things I did or the kind of mother I was.  I deeply apologize to you for the kind of mommy I was for the first six years of your life.  There were serious things going on inside mommy’s brain and I took it out on you and that was not fair.  I love you to the ends of the earth and back and remembering that I hurt you, hurts me.

I am working really hard now to be the kind of mommy that you deserve.  A mommy who listens, hears you.  I want to be the kind of mom who helps and allows you to make memories, have fun, learn amazing things and grown up knowing and never doubting my love for you.

Every time I call you my baby girl you get mad at me and I can see why.  You want so badly to be grown up and I am doing what I can to respect where you are, show you empathy while also being firm and loving.

I really want to make sure that you do not have the kind of childhood that I did.  I want to make sure you know without a doubt that my love for you in unconditional, not dependant on your behavior or if you have struggles. 

You are heard and your opinions to me are valid and worthy of being said.  You may have a wild, spirited streak a mile long but it serves you well now and will really serve you well when you are older.  Your sense of humor is unlike anything I have seen and though sometimes it gets you into trouble; it never fails to make me laugh.

We have grown in our relationship baby, you trust me now and I believe you know that I love you like crazy.  The redemption and grace that I have seen cover us is nothing short of a miracle.   I loved you at birth, the first time I saw you and the day I knew that you were going to “be”

As you have grown there have been our differences and struggles.  I have learned to ebb and flow with those changes.

With you being eight, and having this awesome personality we have a blast.  The conversations we have, the jokes you tell and the pranks you pull make me think of the child I wish I had been.  I know I cannot live through you but being your mom has given me the chance to be a kid again and make new memories.

I get to make them with you, which I wouldn’t have any other way.

I love you Abigail, more than all of the ice cream in the world.

As Always,

Mama

iPhone 009

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