I have to admit something.
It may cause some grief and isn’t something I feel lightly.
It’s not something I would say to just anyone or anywhere, but you dear reader have been here with me through this last year so this feels safe.
Sometimes I resent being a mother and resent my daughter.
Whew, deep breath. That was hard to write.
I love my daughter, I mean she came to me at a time in my life when dead was where I was going to end up. I often say she saved my life and in a way she did. I am starting to realize that is heavy weight even unknowing to put on her.
Cliffs Notes on my story. I was a drug addict (crack and meth) when I found out that I was pregnant with her. Her father, my boyfriend of three years decided he didn’t want to be a father and I left. I moved into a crisis pregnancy home, run by the local evangelical church. I got clean and became a Christian in a week.
Here I was four months pregnant, clean for the first time in SEVEN years, pregnant and alone for the first time in three years. I put a lot of weight on being a mom because it was my chance to do things different and give her a life I didn’t have.
But I went from being a drug addict to a new Christian/mom in four months. That’s a lot for anyone. I didn’t have any time to be healthy and be alone and sometimes I wish that I did have that time.
I don’t believe in accidents though when it comes to parents and children, even with my own. That’s been a hard truth for me to come to but really I wouldn’t be where I am today if it were not for them, abuse and all. My life wouldn’t have taken the turn to drugs that it did and I don’t believe I would have wound up in the same spot had I had parents who were nurturing, supportive and not abusive.
It’s one reason why I love my daughter so much because she really did come at a time when something had to change, when I needed to see and feel love in a way I never had. Loving her and being her mom has given me the unique ability to love my own childlike self that never received those things.
That’s why it makes it even harder to admit that there is resentment in the way.
I wouldn’t change anything (ok maybe some things) about the last eight years. Becoming her mom and the avenues I’ve walked have blown me away. I have learned about boundaries, nurture, empathy and GRACE.
But it’s really hard to be a mom. Any mom knows this. It requires so much giving of ourselves that usually at the end of the day there is nothing left for me to give to myself. Being a single mom makes some of that even more difficult to navigate. With hardly any breaks and constant “stuff” I find myself weary very fast.
This is why I believe I realized that I resent the fact that I didn’t get to be drug free, a believer in Jesus, and going through the healing work alone. I’m so tired sometimes that I don’t have enough to even give the cat let alone myself.
This is why I have to incredibly diligent now to get those things, no matter how small they are into my heart.
Time to write.
Time to read.
Time to breathe.
I do realize that she’s in school full time and I am not working right now so I do get time alone however binging on TV all day does not count for heart filling time and I need heart filling stuff A LOT.
I had a come to Jesus meeting with my therapist on Friday. I sent her a text Thursday saying I didn’t think I could parent anymore. Yet this was spoken out of exhaustion, pain and the normal frustrations of raising an eight year old. I know that I CAN parent her, she was given to me on purpose. I think I feel overwhelmed right now of the responsibilities of being a single, non working parent with no car.
I know those things are circumstantial and what I feel is a part of me that has to heal. I know that no matter my circumstances that I have feelings and hurts to heal. However the last two years have been really, REALLY hard and those things seem to compound the hurt.
I know it won’t always be or feel this way. I believe that my own hurt will be healed and I’ll have room to breathe in all facets of my life.
That for me includes parenting and increasing my ability to give my girl the things she needs most.
To know she’s loved
To know she’s seen
To know she’s heard
I don’t believe that Abigail was given to me only to change my life, I believe her life will be radically used, we are just on this journey together and it’s hard right now.
But hard is beautiful sometimes and when she snuggles up to me in the night and grabs my hand………
It’s not so hard.