If you have been a steady reader of my blog you would know that I struggle in my relationship with my daughter. I haven’t kept it a secret and the reason why is growth. I am vocal about how hard it was to accept that I was going to be a single mom. I desired to get married so Abigail can have a dad. My faithful readers know that this last year has been incredibly difficult for me, which thus makes it difficult for Abigail.
If it wasn’t for faith, grace and redemption I wouldn’t be able to write this post. I started out motherhood incredibly conservative. As a new Christian I absorbed all the parenting advice I could because I wanted to make sure that I was raising a Godly daughter.
When every parenting book said to spank, I did; even though it felt wrong in my spirit. I saw how the children around me that were spanked and realized I didn’t want to be like that at all. Abigail was four and in therapy I laid down ALL of the parenting books. I decided that I was going to start listening to Holy Spirit on how to raise her including discipline. It was the best time of my life. Abigail and I started getting along a lot better. For once I started to have hope that our relationship really could be restored.
We have been in therapy together since she was 3 (stemming from an incident that happened in 2008) As I did my own work, Abigail did her own work and then we worked together as a family. It was an incredibly eye opening experience as I started to see that many of the things I did in my early parenting were things my parents did. Having that knowledge set me free to really do things different, and I have.
The last year has probably been the best for the two of us. I have learned where my struggles are and how they affect my parenting. I learned that being firm and giving consequences doesn’t mean that I am a mean mom. It means that I have chosen to do things different and that I am actually showing her how much I love her by being firm, never wavering.
It’s tough to be on top every day; being single definitely has a lot to do with those rough moments we experience. It more often than not results from me being too busy or too tired. I have learned to identify what Abigail is feeling based on how she is acting and it usually has nothing to do with what she’s really upset about.
Being a parent with C-PTSD and raising a daughter with PTSD certainly makes for some difficult moments. It’s in those moments though I have seen God through the darkness and have believed that he’s actually moving.
My faith is definitely under the microscope right now as I examine where I was, where I thought I was and where I want to be. That starts in the right now of excavating my faith and walking through my murky Jesus waters. I do know He’s on the other side.
God means what he says when he says he loves his children.
I know that much to be true.