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Bethany G. Paget

Midwife of words

Month

November 2014

Darkness Passing

I’m posting this from my phone since my computer is days from death. I’ve been doing a lot of journaling, art and contemplating. It looks like we will barely make rent for December thank you to all who have so graciously donated.

My fear is now settled on getting caught up on my bills and at least being able to provide Abigail with a small but love filled Christmas. Christmas is for sure harder than thanksgiving and we’ll likely be spending it alone. Which we always make fun yet I have a weight in my heart that I should be able to give her more.

In a moment of sheer desperation I plead out to god what we need and what my heart so desperately needs right now.

It isn’t so much about the tangible (though we need those things). It’s seeming these days to be about the state of heart and how I’m leaning into the spirit. I spend a lot of time writing and praying about God and my faith and what I even want anymore.

I do want God but I don’t want the legalistic fundamentalistic Faith I had before. The faith I have now is fluid, it’s messy and its a lot of saying “what the fuck”

What I do know is that the help y’all have provided have pushed me closer to him, which I can guess was intentional on his part.

I also feel like I have to explain why I’m still asking for help. I applied for disability two weeks ago because my neurologist feels that work would be too stressful on my brain (sounds goofy I know) and since we still don’t know for sure why I’m in so much pain, the disability route was decided so that I could at least have some income. Being that I applied it means I cannot even pick up an easy pt job.

So I’m putting my trust in God through y’all praying deeply that you who are reading this can help or you know someone who can.

I am deeply thankful, so much so that the gratitude overwhelms me.

Please consider continuing to help as I pursue disability and also making some extra cash off my writing or art.

As Always,

Bethany

Here’s the link to our gofundme page
http://www.gofundme.com/e3ms6g

Notice

Do you notice her there?

Downtrodden and hiding her eyes

They are lined, heavy with black

If only to cover her tear stained lids

She hides because she’s afraid

Afraid that if you see her

If you really notice her

That you’ll run away

Her tears would be too much

Her heartache would push you against the wall

She stares through her black hair, which is hanging over her eyes

She sees you sitting there, across the pond

On a bench, with a bright smile on your face

She notices you, she hears you laughing

As you talk on the phone

If you were to look up, you’d see her watching

Watching your happiness

If you were to look up, would you notice her sadness?

As Always,

Bethany

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