I’m posting this from my phone since my computer is days from death. I’ve been doing a lot of journaling, art and contemplating. It looks like we will barely make rent for December thank you to all who have so graciously donated.

My fear is now settled on getting caught up on my bills and at least being able to provide Abigail with a small but love filled Christmas. Christmas is for sure harder than thanksgiving and we’ll likely be spending it alone. Which we always make fun yet I have a weight in my heart that I should be able to give her more.

In a moment of sheer desperation I plead out to god what we need and what my heart so desperately needs right now.

It isn’t so much about the tangible (though we need those things). It’s seeming these days to be about the state of heart and how I’m leaning into the spirit. I spend a lot of time writing and praying about God and my faith and what I even want anymore.

I do want God but I don’t want the legalistic fundamentalistic Faith I had before. The faith I have now is fluid, it’s messy and its a lot of saying “what the fuck”

What I do know is that the help y’all have provided have pushed me closer to him, which I can guess was intentional on his part.

I also feel like I have to explain why I’m still asking for help. I applied for disability two weeks ago because my neurologist feels that work would be too stressful on my brain (sounds goofy I know) and since we still don’t know for sure why I’m in so much pain, the disability route was decided so that I could at least have some income. Being that I applied it means I cannot even pick up an easy pt job.

So I’m putting my trust in God through y’all praying deeply that you who are reading this can help or you know someone who can.

I am deeply thankful, so much so that the gratitude overwhelms me.

Please consider continuing to help as I pursue disability and also making some extra cash off my writing or art.

As Always,

Bethany

Here’s the link to our gofundme page
http://www.gofundme.com/e3ms6g

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