I’m backkkkkk

I haven’t blogged in 9 months.

My words have felt dry, rusty, and useless.  I had been so checked out of life that I could hardly see five inches in front of me.

Today being new years day 2016 I felt it only appropriate to write the obligatory Oneword, vision for the year, and reflections on last year yada yada yada……..

So here it is.

Anyone that’s been following my little corner of the internet over the last few years knows that they have been brutal, if not at least epically horrific.

I scraped to get abigail and i through before, during, and after my surgery.  It seemed that was going to be the key to get me moving forward again.  Fix the physical and everything else will fall into place.

It did.

For a minute.

Then fell apart, worse than before and I felt so shattered that I checked out of life and from there things went downhill fast.

I couldn’t catch my breath, or find the edge of the cliff I was on.  The darkness I was covered in was so heavy.  Imagine trying to crawl through oatmeal, or a foam pit.

That’s how my days felt.

Until around August of this last year.  Suddenly it felt like things were finally starting to turn around.

Big things happened that altered my course.  I suddenly found myself swept up in all the things I had been wanting for so long. 

And there it was.  What I had been waiting for.

As it usually goes though, three steps forward five (10) steps back.

I made some hard choices, good ones but nonetheless very difficult.  I fell into a weird spot again, got a case of the fuck its, I let my priorities go and gave my heart and soul away to a force that couldn’t accept it.

It takes great people to look someone in the eye and show them the truth.

That’s what December was.  It was an achingly painful but eye opening month.

I’ve done some serious reflecting these last few weeks and it kind of flipped me upside down, or maybe it was right side up?

All I know is this is my fortuitous year.  The year where the unexpected becomes the expected, the reality I’ve always wanted is finally understood, and I no longer feel that soul aching loneliness.

This is also the year that I dig deep and search my spirituality.  I haven’t publicly shared that I left the church (guess I just did) I’ll certainly share more on that topic soon.  The blog post has already been written, I’m garnering the courage to face the backlash I’m sure to receive.

I already know what I believe, it’s what I’ve always believed.  I got mixed up for years and allowed my vulnerability to be used against me in a sense. 

I’m searching, I probably always will be.  Searching increases knowledge, that’s a good thing.

This is also the year of BMX.  I had already been riding for a couple months and just got my first bike for christmas.  It’s an interesting thing learning to ride at almost 35.  I’ll tell you though, the first time I jumped on that bike and took off I felt like I had found a thing that I’d been missing all my life.

I sure don’t feel it’s juvenile or fruitless.  I’m a passionate person, about many things and riding is another way to express my passion for things.

Life is still a little lopsided, and I’ll go out on that note.

The universe has a way of leveling things out.

As Always,

Bethany

I haven’t blogged in 9 months.

My words have felt dry, rusty, and useless.  I had been so checked out of life that I could hardly see five inches in front of me.

Today being new years day 2016 I felt it only appropriate to write the obligatory Oneword, vision for the year, and reflections on last year yada yada yada……..

So here it is.

Anyone that’s been following my little corner of the internet over the last few years knows that they have been brutal, if not at least epically horrific.

I scraped to get abigail and i through before, during, and after my surgery.  It seemed that was going to be the key to get me moving forward again.  Fix the physical and everything else will fall into place.

It did.

For a minute.

Then fell apart, worse than before and I felt so shattered that I checked out of life and from there things went downhill fast.

I couldn’t catch my breath, or find the edge of the cliff I was on.  The darkness I was covered in was so heavy.  Imagine trying to crawl through oatmeal, or a foam pit.

That’s how my days felt.

Until around August of this last year.  Suddenly it felt like things were finally starting to turn around.

Big things happened that altered my course.  I suddenly found myself swept up in all the things I had been wanting for so long. 

And there it was.  What I had been waiting for.

As it usually goes though, three steps forward five (10) steps back.

I made some hard choices, good ones but nonetheless very difficult.  I fell into a weird spot again, got a case of the fuck its, I let my priorities go and gave my heart and soul away to a force that couldn’t accept it.

It takes great people to look someone in the eye and show them the truth.

That’s what December was.  It was an achingly painful but eye opening month.

I’ve done some serious reflecting these last few weeks and it kind of flipped me upside down, or maybe it was right side up?

All I know is this is my fortuitous year.  The year where the unexpected becomes the expected, the reality I’ve always wanted is finally understood, and I no longer feel that soul aching loneliness.

This is also the year that I dig deep and search my spirituality.  I haven’t publicly shared that I left the church (guess I just did) I’ll certainly share more on that topic soon.  The blog post has already been written, I’m garnering the courage to face the backlash I’m sure to receive.

I already know what I believe, it’s what I’ve always believed.  I got mixed up for years and allowed my vulnerability to be used against me in a sense. 

I’m searching, I probably always will be.  Searching increases knowledge, that’s a good thing.

This is also the year of BMX.  I had already been riding for a couple months and just got my first bike for christmas.  It’s an interesting thing learning to ride at almost 35.  I’ll tell you though, the first time I jumped on that bike and took off I felt like I had found a thing that I’d been missing all my life.

I sure don’t feel it’s juvenile or fruitless.  I’m a passionate person, about many things and riding is another way to express my passion for things.

Life is still a little lopsided, and I’ll go out on that note.

The universe has a way of leveling things out.

As Always,

Bethany