I have been called many things in my life. Never were they laced with love. Nor words that someone with a heart of love would use.
I first heard the name of Jesus in February of 2006 when I was four months pregnant with my daughter. it felt like the right thing at the time. I was alone, had just left my abusive ex and this church home took me in.
to say I was primed for saving might have been a subconscious thing in the hearts of those around me. but the church knows what type of person is likely to get saved in a vulnerable moment.
I am now learning or relearning what I really believe and why. with that comes incredible healing from being in an opressive system for 8 years.
I’m reclaiming. I’m learning to love and be loved. there has been much healing.
It’s been a path of wonder, of unexpected pain, joy, sorrow and beauty all wrapped into something that at times I look at and call rubbish.
even in the ugly ache, there has been crazy beauty, lessons learned, love found, and hope found again.
Beauty covered in the truth that do overs and blank pages do exist.
so do destiny, soul mates, and love at first site.
I am who I am today at 34 because of what I’ve lived through. because I was finally able to see that I am my own woman. It’s time to cultivate and express who I was always told to keep under wraps.
I write what I want because I can and I ascribe to this Anne Lamott quote often
“if people didn’t want you to write about them then they should have behaved better”
~I am a hippie, a warrior, a lover, a mama to a little lioness; I fight bad guys and kill bugs. I’m the wife to my wild, bearded biker. I am passionate about equality for all and for everyone to see and that they are loved. I love cardigans (wearing them and making them) scarves, and tea, journals, pens, and the scent of lavender and patchouli. Fresh flowers on my table make smile. Candles burning, a nice joint and some good music…..
I’m a punk, a rider, a dreamer, a schemer and will always be a therapist at heart. Gentleness and peacefulness are things I am learning. Although quietness is not something I believe I will ever be capable of. I have a loud voice; however I have learned to temper my words with grace depending on the audience and situation. Swear words are a part of my vocabulary and I use them frequently. I write raw and real. This is my therapy. These words are my hearts declaration that the ugly, the broken and the beautiful are amazing life lessons.
This is the story of how I found grace, joy, promise and a future in the midst of something I used to see as rubbish. I found my voice and it’s time to fear the fighter~
“do not go gentle into that good night but rage, rage against the dying of the light”
October 7, 2013 at 9:17 pm
Hey I wanted to thank you so much for your recent post about self. I’m learning the same thing and I couldn’t believe as I read your words cause I thought I was reading my own story. Thanks for being so honest and being courageous in voicing those things that many Christians need to hear these days. Eliane
November 2, 2013 at 3:14 am
Hi – I have come across your page by chance – and yet….. – what is chance? not sure if I believe in it !! anyway, here I am. What a joy to read your story – I read it on Suzannah Paul’s site – what a joy to read of another “Jesus lover” who has been forced by life circumstances to re-address her faith and has discovered that all along God was a God of grace. I was raised in a loving, happy home but like a delicious vanilla ice- cream it had running through it the dark swirls of evangelical fundamentalism – so whilst I was an extrovert with a lust for life and a curious mind – I was also deeply deeply fearful, beneath the surface, of missing God’s will, of pissing him off, of not being good enough. At 19 I got married because I believed it was God’s will for me to marry this particular person but he turned out to be very abusive and I endured 10 years of mental, verbal, spiritual and sometimes, physical abuse. As you stated – suddenly all the pretty quotes and cliches did not apply, prayer did not produce immediate results, praise and gratitude did not change the circumstances . I was always taught that a victorious life was one where you walked with Jesus on the mountain top – and here I was in the valley feeling a failure – How could I be a delight to God, a witness, a light in the darkness when walking in the valley. After my divorce and child custody case I felt even more of a disappointment – and fearful, so fearful of having let God down.
It has taken me many years of searching, crying, laughing, reading, talking, listening, giving up, starting over etc etc etc to have walked through the battle field into victory. But victory does not look like I was always told it would – victory is humble, wounded, grateful, vulnerable, compassionate, limping, joyful, serving, and submitted to the Father and to others. I am free from fear because I finally get it that the price has been paid for me and there is nothing I can do to make God love me more or to make God love me less – I am unconditionally accepted and He delights in me.
I would love to hear more from you and I will be reading your blog and keeping you in my thoughts – I also blog – http://www.thetiltedroom.com – my passion in life is working with others to help them rebuild shattered lives – to love themselves and realise their value in a world that puts a price on everything but values nothing.
I give workshops and put on courses on building self-esteem, managing anxiety, assertiveness, boundary setting, and related topics. I currently work for a mental health charity in London but am also in the process of building a freelance business so that hopefully I can reach more people.
Again – what a joy to find you and to read about God’s work of grace in your life and that you experience His presence, his love, his joy, his life in the midst of your circumstances – I truly believe in transformation through trauma.
November 4, 2013 at 7:31 pm
I’m so glad you found your way here. Chance no, serendipity maybe 🙂
Think of this as a place to pull up with a warm drink, a cozy blanket and feel at home. At least that’s my hope.
At least it is to share and show that Jesus is an outside of the box God that can be found in unconventional ways and places. My blog is about my journey of healing and hope and I hope those that need it find it.
I’m thankful you trusted me with that piece of your story. I hope you keep walking through and sharing your hope with those you meet daily.
November 5, 2013 at 2:46 pm
i can go on. but you know how I see you. I LOVE YOU.
November 5, 2013 at 2:58 pm
I love that you ended it with fucking.awesome
July 10, 2014 at 8:38 pm
I think we could be friends:) I love Desmond Tutu’s work and philosophy (and I don’t know many people who are aware of who he is)! I too have dreads and just flat out connect with the words you write and how you write them. I look forward to following along with your blog. Rock it.
July 26, 2014 at 12:24 pm
Wow, your testimony is incrediable; your words a fresh breeze. I LOVE you blog!!