Bethany G. Paget

Midwife of words


being seen

The Lonely Place

I haven’t written anything of substance for over a month.  My heart has been in an incredibly barren and angry place.  Everything I try to write comes off either whiney or selfish and that’s not where I am trying to go.

It’s no secret that Abigail and I are in a rough spot.  It’s seems as though 2014 has been the year of “everything falling apart.”  Each time that I felt I was back up on my feet, something else would happen and I’d get knocked back down.  I’ve spent the better part of the year feeling sorry for myself and trying to will my way out of this situation.

The deeper into it I get the bigger the ache gets.  I spent a good three weeks barely getting out of bed, not showering, and distracting myself with copious amounts of tv and gummy bears.

I slowly feel like I am pulling out of my funk.  I spend more of my days reading, journaling, and painting.  Not being absorbed in TV has helped dramatically.  Being intentional and focusing on Abigail has also been a defining factor as motherhood is one of the biggest things that keeps me fighting.

Yet even though there is all of this, all of the people who have so graciously helped us out financially and otherwise and those deep soul friends who have stuck around and reminded me that I am brave, a warrior and have coconut balls.  There is this deep sense of loss, of grief and of loneliness.

I am no stranger to these feelings, they have been bubbling under the surface for a really long time, only over the last year have they broken through the barrier I had been holding up and have made themselves known.

It seems so silly to say this that I hurt when no one comments on a facebook or instagram post.  I see the gatherings of women on facebook and I feel on the outside, once again.  I lived the majority of my life on the outside, looking in on people that seem to get one another, that seem to click and love each other.  It feels easier on my heart to stay on the outside rather than risk feeling lonely and getting hurt.

This insecurity in relationships I assume stems from a lifetime of feeling insecure and being on the outside of everything.  I spent more time alone as a child/teenager than I did with friends.

To really put myself out there and be vulnerable I would tell you that when I was in high school I would pretend like I was hanging out with my friends instead I was driving around, alone in the dark listening to The Eagles and Bette Midler.

I still feel those same old insecurities that I am not good enough to have friends, or that there is something inherently wrong with me, and that my whole mess is just too much for people.

So I slink on the outsides, I join groups but never say anything, I text a lot of people on those days I feel especially lonely and I snuggle with Buster, my sweet little service dog.

I don’t want to do this anymore, I want the loneliness to escape and slink away at the sight of my bravery (the ring I wear with the word engraved helps) I want to really embody the words that people speak over me.





Wild Woman

Those are the things I want to cling to, not that I don’t belong or that I am too much.  I am pretty sure that most people feel this way at some time or another.

I know that a lot of my own feelings get in the way of this happening, my fear of being worthless, of less than valuable or “that depressed girl who is so needy”

Today, I am not going to allow those lies to worm their way back into my heart.  Today I am going to believe that I am in fact who and what people say I am.

Bold, brave, fearless, wild.

As Always,



Do you notice her there?

Downtrodden and hiding her eyes

They are lined, heavy with black

If only to cover her tear stained lids

She hides because she’s afraid

Afraid that if you see her

If you really notice her

That you’ll run away

Her tears would be too much

Her heartache would push you against the wall

She stares through her black hair, which is hanging over her eyes

She sees you sitting there, across the pond

On a bench, with a bright smile on your face

She notices you, she hears you laughing

As you talk on the phone

If you were to look up, you’d see her watching

Watching your happiness

If you were to look up, would you notice her sadness?

As Always,


31Days – I dare you

I dare you.

Yes Bethany, you.

To look in the mirror right now and say

“I love you”

Bethany I dare you to see beyond what people say and do

I dare you to breath in grace every morning

I dare you to hope for bigger and brighter things

I know it’s dark now

But I believe the light will shine soon.

Don’t dare to stop dreaming

Don’t dare to stop believing that there are people who love you.

As Always,


I have joined up with some friends for the Five Minute Friday link up.

Today’s topic is dare.  So I dare you to sit down, set your timer for five minutes and write, no editing, no spell check just your heart.

31Days – Soul Blurts

I have been blogging on faith now for almost three weeks.  It has been incredibly helpful to dive in and clean out those areas where the dust had settled.  There are still so many unanswered questions.

I am really struggling right now.  I have been sick for two years and even after brain surgery didn’t get that much better.  Now I have some weird lymph node thingy that the doctor thinks could be Epstein Barr.  While obviously it’s not life threatening it is just one more thing piled onto a plate that’s already breaking.

I cannot get out from underneath this weight.  The days come and go, sometimes I feel okay both physically and mentally.  Some days I stay in bed because the pain is excruciating.

I haven’t been able to work since February.  My health is the major cause however my truck broke down and I had to sell it.  I am applying for disability but that takes forever and right now I am sitting here wondering how I am going to get through November.   I have been doing this dance for two years, the can I pay my rent dance.  It’s not a fun one.

It is tiring. Not only because I am trying to take care of me but I am also taking care of another tiny human.  Abigail depends on me so much, being I am her only parent.  The days I stay in bed are the hardest on her.  She wants me to play with her and be active and I am really struggling right now.

Staying on top of chores, cleaning and homework feels overwhelming.  There is a deep part of me that wants to pack up and blow town.

That is beyond realistic.

I know I can gather up these feelings about God and His truths, hold them to my heart and somehow believe that it’ll work out.

As Always,


The Day She Was Seen

The story of Jesus meeting the Samaritan woman at the well has always spoken depths to me.

Maybe it’s because He knew her, He SAW her and He LOVED her, just as she was.

I’m guest posting today over at a friends spot, someone I deeply admire and quite frankly I may have given up writing if it were not for her words.

Come join us….

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