31Days – Twitter, facebook and internet love

I had lost or walked away from almost every friend I had.  It was either that we’d grown apart or that there was “a thing” there that prevented the friendship from growing.  Whether it was or the other person is what I have been working through because I know that there were times, years and people that I wasn’t faithful to.  Just as there were people that I needed to be there for me that weren’t.

I have worked and am still working through a lot of the things that prevent me from having healthy relationships, with anyone.  Most of those were worked through as I built a relationship with my therapist.  As I did that my relationships started to change, whether for the good or the bad.

I have walked away from several people who were extremely unhealthy and toxic, including my family which has been hard.  Not a lot of things hurt more than a severed relationship with someone who was supposed to be so much more.

I have waded through grief from losing relationships that were based on so much rawness and vulnerability that losing that relationship hurts.

Grieving that brings out all of those alone feelings.

Then I am reminded of the amazing community that I have built.  Twitter, an amazing writing community that I was a part of, people in my skin life and some new friends that I met through other friends; this is what makes up my community.

I would never have been able to value the beauty of these relationships if I had not been a part of the Story Sessions community.  The women I formed relationships were just as valuable as discovering my voice under the rubble.  Those relationships turned to other relationships that have led me to spending half of my summer with a valuable soul and her family.

I cannot even begin to find to the words to thank EVERY SINGLE PERSON that has helped us.  And there are many.  All of those things happened because of my online relationships.

I have been incredibly blessed by my relationships with each and every person and I want you all to know that my heart is so full.  Each one of you has stood beside Abigail and I as we have waded through these murky waters.

I never imagined that people I have never (well some I have) met would be so generous.  People who were generous with love, kindness, prayers and support when things got out of control.
These are men and woman who I can share my heart with and know that they hear me and they know that I hear them.

These people are my family.

As Always,

Bethany

31Days – Reflections of, the way life used to be

Nine years ago I was a wreck. I was stoned as soon as I woke up and stayed high on something until bed. Jeffrey and I fought non stop and I secretly longed to leave, though that wasn’t even an option. I wanted to go, I was tired of his abuse and I was weary mentally.

Everything made me cry.

We were living in North Florida in a house that wasn’t ours, and our occupancy was contingent on Jeffrey keeping his job. They shut the power and water off on us, right after thanksgiving. The week I found out I was pregnant with Abigail.

The drug use was still constant even after leaving Kansas. Our goal had been to move to Florida and get clean, but that didn’t happen. Without the crack and the meth we were nothing. Fighting constantly led us to both start smoking ridiculous amount of pot.

I look back at the time and hurt for the girl that felt trapped in a relationship that was over six months before I actually left. I hurt for how wounded and anxious she felt. I loved Jeffrey, I really did. I began to see though after I got pregnant that I HAD to leave, to save my life.

I did leave, on a warm February afternoon. I almost slept in my van that night but finally found a place to stay. I went back to motel the next day and knew I was done. I packed my stuff and left. I wanted to make it work with him and be a family but it was obvious that he didn’t want that.

Even after I left I was still a mess. I wanted so badly to believe that I was fully healed by God. At that time I wasn’t even fully aware of how much trauma I really carried. I was living in a peach colored, happy go Jesus world. It would hit me until I moved back to Colorado and my pretty pink bow life fell apart.

I didn’t understand why God, who had supposedly heal me would allow the struggles I was having.

Even though on the outside I was trying to maintain a Godly image I was dying on the inside. It was a hard thing to do to even get up in the morning.

Then I look at who I am today and how those early days, as hard as they were have shaped me. I know my circumstances right now are terrible but I am really trying to focus on healing. Once I started that process of picking through the pain my internal balance changed even though my circumstances continued to get worse.

When I reflect on who I used to believe God was I can see why everything stayed a mess. Healing the internal was all about what I was doing on the outside ie: bible studies, groups, conferences and mentorship. I perceived that if I wasn’t doing those things than I wasn’t invested in growing as a Christian. So while I knew my bible stuff and worship songs and prayer those things weren’t causing growth.

Sometimes I miss that girl I was 9 years ago. She had such courage, courage that she gives to me today to continue to persevere even though circumstantially things are rough. She was also very faithful, faithful to her friends and God. That girl still lives in me, the one who slept with her bible to fight off nightmares. The girl who put scripture around the house to stay protected. Her hyper vigilance to do those things is understandable. Even though I am not that vigilant these days with my faith, I still cling to Jesus as though I have run out of breath. He has been the one constant.

Through everything Jesus has been the one to show me love and the way to loving myself. I cannot walk away from that.

I know my journey is dark and murky but these are some of the most beautiful times.

Because I learned about self, and that I don’t need to continue berating myself to be equated with a saint.

I am human and so is my journey.

As Always,

Bethany