I’m backkkkkk

I haven’t blogged in 9 months.

My words have felt dry, rusty, and useless.  I had been so checked out of life that I could hardly see five inches in front of me.

Today being new years day 2016 I felt it only appropriate to write the obligatory Oneword, vision for the year, and reflections on last year yada yada yada……..

So here it is.

Anyone that’s been following my little corner of the internet over the last few years knows that they have been brutal, if not at least epically horrific.

I scraped to get abigail and i through before, during, and after my surgery.  It seemed that was going to be the key to get me moving forward again.  Fix the physical and everything else will fall into place.

It did.

For a minute.

Then fell apart, worse than before and I felt so shattered that I checked out of life and from there things went downhill fast.

I couldn’t catch my breath, or find the edge of the cliff I was on.  The darkness I was covered in was so heavy.  Imagine trying to crawl through oatmeal, or a foam pit.

That’s how my days felt.

Until around August of this last year.  Suddenly it felt like things were finally starting to turn around.

Big things happened that altered my course.  I suddenly found myself swept up in all the things I had been wanting for so long. 

And there it was.  What I had been waiting for.

As it usually goes though, three steps forward five (10) steps back.

I made some hard choices, good ones but nonetheless very difficult.  I fell into a weird spot again, got a case of the fuck its, I let my priorities go and gave my heart and soul away to a force that couldn’t accept it.

It takes great people to look someone in the eye and show them the truth.

That’s what December was.  It was an achingly painful but eye opening month.

I’ve done some serious reflecting these last few weeks and it kind of flipped me upside down, or maybe it was right side up?

All I know is this is my fortuitous year.  The year where the unexpected becomes the expected, the reality I’ve always wanted is finally understood, and I no longer feel that soul aching loneliness.

This is also the year that I dig deep and search my spirituality.  I haven’t publicly shared that I left the church (guess I just did) I’ll certainly share more on that topic soon.  The blog post has already been written, I’m garnering the courage to face the backlash I’m sure to receive.

I already know what I believe, it’s what I’ve always believed.  I got mixed up for years and allowed my vulnerability to be used against me in a sense. 

I’m searching, I probably always will be.  Searching increases knowledge, that’s a good thing.

This is also the year of BMX.  I had already been riding for a couple months and just got my first bike for christmas.  It’s an interesting thing learning to ride at almost 35.  I’ll tell you though, the first time I jumped on that bike and took off I felt like I had found a thing that I’d been missing all my life.

I sure don’t feel it’s juvenile or fruitless.  I’m a passionate person, about many things and riding is another way to express my passion for things.

Life is still a little lopsided, and I’ll go out on that note.

The universe has a way of leveling things out.

As Always,

Bethany

I haven’t blogged in 9 months.

My words have felt dry, rusty, and useless.  I had been so checked out of life that I could hardly see five inches in front of me.

Today being new years day 2016 I felt it only appropriate to write the obligatory Oneword, vision for the year, and reflections on last year yada yada yada……..

So here it is.

Anyone that’s been following my little corner of the internet over the last few years knows that they have been brutal, if not at least epically horrific.

I scraped to get abigail and i through before, during, and after my surgery.  It seemed that was going to be the key to get me moving forward again.  Fix the physical and everything else will fall into place.

It did.

For a minute.

Then fell apart, worse than before and I felt so shattered that I checked out of life and from there things went downhill fast.

I couldn’t catch my breath, or find the edge of the cliff I was on.  The darkness I was covered in was so heavy.  Imagine trying to crawl through oatmeal, or a foam pit.

That’s how my days felt.

Until around August of this last year.  Suddenly it felt like things were finally starting to turn around.

Big things happened that altered my course.  I suddenly found myself swept up in all the things I had been wanting for so long. 

And there it was.  What I had been waiting for.

As it usually goes though, three steps forward five (10) steps back.

I made some hard choices, good ones but nonetheless very difficult.  I fell into a weird spot again, got a case of the fuck its, I let my priorities go and gave my heart and soul away to a force that couldn’t accept it.

It takes great people to look someone in the eye and show them the truth.

That’s what December was.  It was an achingly painful but eye opening month.

I’ve done some serious reflecting these last few weeks and it kind of flipped me upside down, or maybe it was right side up?

All I know is this is my fortuitous year.  The year where the unexpected becomes the expected, the reality I’ve always wanted is finally understood, and I no longer feel that soul aching loneliness.

This is also the year that I dig deep and search my spirituality.  I haven’t publicly shared that I left the church (guess I just did) I’ll certainly share more on that topic soon.  The blog post has already been written, I’m garnering the courage to face the backlash I’m sure to receive.

I already know what I believe, it’s what I’ve always believed.  I got mixed up for years and allowed my vulnerability to be used against me in a sense. 

I’m searching, I probably always will be.  Searching increases knowledge, that’s a good thing.

This is also the year of BMX.  I had already been riding for a couple months and just got my first bike for christmas.  It’s an interesting thing learning to ride at almost 35.  I’ll tell you though, the first time I jumped on that bike and took off I felt like I had found a thing that I’d been missing all my life.

I sure don’t feel it’s juvenile or fruitless.  I’m a passionate person, about many things and riding is another way to express my passion for things.

Life is still a little lopsided, and I’ll go out on that note.

The universe has a way of leveling things out.

As Always,

Bethany

Stop and Go

Like most bloggers I started out with big dreams and intentions for All Things Truthful.  I wrote a big chunk of my story here over a solid two year window.  I shared things I might otherwise have not, given that I share things better in the written word.

I haven’t posted anything since October.  It’s not just that I have been experiencing significant resistance, and life altering changes.  I was told that my blog was being read by people who consider my writing heinous, ugly, lies.

I don’t write for anyone but myself and like Anne Lamott says

“If people wanted me to write better about them, they should have behaved themselves”

That goes along with the mission set forth when I started this blog.  I do come here vulnerable, bare and incredibly raw sometimes.  Like I stated above I have shared intimate parts of my story here.  There is a twofold reason for that.

One, I believe that it’s time to share my story.  To write about the things that I have been through as a way of processing them, bringing them into the light, and if it so happens helping someone else.

Two, I am a writer, down to my bones.  I know how to tell stories.  I know how to write the bare naked truth of my past as well as writing about things that are important to me, whether they are fictional stories, poetry or bringing in a guest writer to give them a platform they might not otherwise hatopve.

I will be honest and say that a big reason why I haven’t written or posted anything is because I don’t want to be accused of lying, or spreading malicious rumors about people.  I haven’t done any of that.  It’s all about perception and the perception that some people have is that I created a false, trauma filled past to get attention.

To hear that, hurts.  It negates every single trauma I experienced.  I have no reason to lie about anything that has happened in my life.  That would actually be sick and twisted for someone to make up such grandiose lies in order to gain attention, a following or…….

I don’t even know.

It has kept me from my passion though; the fear of what will be said or received has shut my mouth and kept the pen on the table.  I decided that I am not going to live with that fear anymore.

The things I share about might change slightly as I do want to respect others and their feelings.  However I am going to march on, sharing my words, because that is what I was meant to do.

As Always,

Bethany

Dear…. FMF Post

Dear Abigail,

I want you to always know how much mommy loves you.

When we play the I love you game every single word I say is true.

I would never lie to you about how much joy you bring me or how much I love you.

I want you to know that I see those places where you have deep hurt. I see them because I know them. I have those places too.

The good news is that we can get through it all and heal, together.

I know you are scared that one day mommy will leave you. That’s just not true.

One day when you’re older you might move out to start your own life but mommy will always be right there, in spirit and just a phone call away.

You’ve changed my life so much baby girl and I have never once doubted my choice to push through and love you, and mother you the way I’ve been called to.

I know we fight sometimes but those words we say, they are soon swept away like dust.

They don’t linger.

I love you,

Mommy

The Lonely Place

I haven’t written anything of substance for over a month.  My heart has been in an incredibly barren and angry place.  Everything I try to write comes off either whiney or selfish and that’s not where I am trying to go.

It’s no secret that Abigail and I are in a rough spot.  It’s seems as though 2014 has been the year of “everything falling apart.”  Each time that I felt I was back up on my feet, something else would happen and I’d get knocked back down.  I’ve spent the better part of the year feeling sorry for myself and trying to will my way out of this situation.

The deeper into it I get the bigger the ache gets.  I spent a good three weeks barely getting out of bed, not showering, and distracting myself with copious amounts of tv and gummy bears.

I slowly feel like I am pulling out of my funk.  I spend more of my days reading, journaling, and painting.  Not being absorbed in TV has helped dramatically.  Being intentional and focusing on Abigail has also been a defining factor as motherhood is one of the biggest things that keeps me fighting.

Yet even though there is all of this, all of the people who have so graciously helped us out financially and otherwise and those deep soul friends who have stuck around and reminded me that I am brave, a warrior and have coconut balls.  There is this deep sense of loss, of grief and of loneliness.

I am no stranger to these feelings, they have been bubbling under the surface for a really long time, only over the last year have they broken through the barrier I had been holding up and have made themselves known.

It seems so silly to say this that I hurt when no one comments on a facebook or instagram post.  I see the gatherings of women on facebook and I feel on the outside, once again.  I lived the majority of my life on the outside, looking in on people that seem to get one another, that seem to click and love each other.  It feels easier on my heart to stay on the outside rather than risk feeling lonely and getting hurt.

This insecurity in relationships I assume stems from a lifetime of feeling insecure and being on the outside of everything.  I spent more time alone as a child/teenager than I did with friends.

To really put myself out there and be vulnerable I would tell you that when I was in high school I would pretend like I was hanging out with my friends instead I was driving around, alone in the dark listening to The Eagles and Bette Midler.

I still feel those same old insecurities that I am not good enough to have friends, or that there is something inherently wrong with me, and that my whole mess is just too much for people.

So I slink on the outsides, I join groups but never say anything, I text a lot of people on those days I feel especially lonely and I snuggle with Buster, my sweet little service dog.

I don’t want to do this anymore, I want the loneliness to escape and slink away at the sight of my bravery (the ring I wear with the word engraved helps) I want to really embody the words that people speak over me.

Warrior

Brave

Fearless

Tenacious

Wild Woman

Those are the things I want to cling to, not that I don’t belong or that I am too much.  I am pretty sure that most people feel this way at some time or another.

I know that a lot of my own feelings get in the way of this happening, my fear of being worthless, of less than valuable or “that depressed girl who is so needy”

Today, I am not going to allow those lies to worm their way back into my heart.  Today I am going to believe that I am in fact who and what people say I am.

Bold, brave, fearless, wild.

As Always,

Bethany

Darkness Passing

I’m posting this from my phone since my computer is days from death. I’ve been doing a lot of journaling, art and contemplating. It looks like we will barely make rent for December thank you to all who have so graciously donated.

My fear is now settled on getting caught up on my bills and at least being able to provide Abigail with a small but love filled Christmas. Christmas is for sure harder than thanksgiving and we’ll likely be spending it alone. Which we always make fun yet I have a weight in my heart that I should be able to give her more.

In a moment of sheer desperation I plead out to god what we need and what my heart so desperately needs right now.

It isn’t so much about the tangible (though we need those things). It’s seeming these days to be about the state of heart and how I’m leaning into the spirit. I spend a lot of time writing and praying about God and my faith and what I even want anymore.

I do want God but I don’t want the legalistic fundamentalistic Faith I had before. The faith I have now is fluid, it’s messy and its a lot of saying “what the fuck”

What I do know is that the help y’all have provided have pushed me closer to him, which I can guess was intentional on his part.

I also feel like I have to explain why I’m still asking for help. I applied for disability two weeks ago because my neurologist feels that work would be too stressful on my brain (sounds goofy I know) and since we still don’t know for sure why I’m in so much pain, the disability route was decided so that I could at least have some income. Being that I applied it means I cannot even pick up an easy pt job.

So I’m putting my trust in God through y’all praying deeply that you who are reading this can help or you know someone who can.

I am deeply thankful, so much so that the gratitude overwhelms me.

Please consider continuing to help as I pursue disability and also making some extra cash off my writing or art.

As Always,

Bethany

Here’s the link to our gofundme page
http://www.gofundme.com/e3ms6g

Notice

Do you notice her there?

Downtrodden and hiding her eyes

They are lined, heavy with black

If only to cover her tear stained lids

She hides because she’s afraid

Afraid that if you see her

If you really notice her

That you’ll run away

Her tears would be too much

Her heartache would push you against the wall

She stares through her black hair, which is hanging over her eyes

She sees you sitting there, across the pond

On a bench, with a bright smile on your face

She notices you, she hears you laughing

As you talk on the phone

If you were to look up, you’d see her watching

Watching your happiness

If you were to look up, would you notice her sadness?

As Always,

Bethany

31Days – I dare you

I dare you.

Yes Bethany, you.

To look in the mirror right now and say

“I love you”

Bethany I dare you to see beyond what people say and do

I dare you to breath in grace every morning

I dare you to hope for bigger and brighter things

I know it’s dark now

But I believe the light will shine soon.

Don’t dare to stop dreaming

Don’t dare to stop believing that there are people who love you.

As Always,

Bethany

I have joined up with some friends for the Five Minute Friday link up.

Today’s topic is dare.  So I dare you to sit down, set your timer for five minutes and write, no editing, no spell check just your heart.

31Days – Soul Blurts

I have been blogging on faith now for almost three weeks.  It has been incredibly helpful to dive in and clean out those areas where the dust had settled.  There are still so many unanswered questions.

I am really struggling right now.  I have been sick for two years and even after brain surgery didn’t get that much better.  Now I have some weird lymph node thingy that the doctor thinks could be Epstein Barr.  While obviously it’s not life threatening it is just one more thing piled onto a plate that’s already breaking.

I cannot get out from underneath this weight.  The days come and go, sometimes I feel okay both physically and mentally.  Some days I stay in bed because the pain is excruciating.

I haven’t been able to work since February.  My health is the major cause however my truck broke down and I had to sell it.  I am applying for disability but that takes forever and right now I am sitting here wondering how I am going to get through November.   I have been doing this dance for two years, the can I pay my rent dance.  It’s not a fun one.

It is tiring. Not only because I am trying to take care of me but I am also taking care of another tiny human.  Abigail depends on me so much, being I am her only parent.  The days I stay in bed are the hardest on her.  She wants me to play with her and be active and I am really struggling right now.

Staying on top of chores, cleaning and homework feels overwhelming.  There is a deep part of me that wants to pack up and blow town.

That is beyond realistic.

I know I can gather up these feelings about God and His truths, hold them to my heart and somehow believe that it’ll work out.

As Always,

Bethany