If you have been reading my blog than you know that the last three weeks have been painful; no one expects to be sexually assaulted and after it happened I didn’t know what to expect.
I have said it before that I dealt with my childhood trauma and subsequent adolescent and adult sexual attacks with drugs and alcohol: I refuse to do that this time. I have amazing support including a great therapist and outpatient resources to help.
Where I’m at internally is a different story. I have reverted back to my childhood trauma surviving states. I carry my hyper vigilance with me and if it were a quiver full of arrows and I am ready to shoot the first threat I see. I jump at every noise and I am scared that he is going to come to the apartment. So really we need to get away.
A few days after the assault happened I was chatting with one of my dear friends who lives in Portland and she offered us a place to stay for a couple of weeks and food if we could just get there. To me it seemed like Portland would be a good place to relax and heal and working on getting my bearings straight. I also eventually want to move to Portland so this was the perfect time also to go check things out.
I started looking at the tickets to take the Greyhound and they were $247 round trip. I told Rachel there was no way I could afford that and that I was going to start praying for money to fall from the sky. I was admitted to the hospital that afternoon and lost touch with everyone however when I was discharged a week later I found out she had raised $205 plus another $80 from a friend of mine.
Now I honestly don’t know who these loving, blissful people are but they have gone above and beyond what my heart could have imagined. I feel loved, so loved. Abigail and I have been loved like this before but this feels different for some reason. Maybe because I am still struggling so much with the sexual assault and I suddenly think that everyone around me can see it on my face.
As we were talking last night and she shared with me the final details with me I was blown away. The giving from these people that don’t know me at all gave of their hearts so Abigail and I can have some rest.
We leave next Wednesday the 18th for Portland and will be there until the 27th and then we are going to drive with her and her son to White Fish Montana and stay there for a week ish, then come home. I am ecstatic. I have never in my life taken a spur of the moment trip like this, especially one that is fully about relaxing, healing, front porch sitting and dreadlock fixing. I am excited about getting away from Colorado for a little bit. I am getting serious cabin fever and every time I am home I remember when happened (that which I am able to remember)
From my heart I also believe a little bit that getting away is my own kind of vindication and justice. Since there is nothing in the judicial system they can do here (all evidence is circumstantial) from the beginning my going forward was about empowerment. Empowerment for me in this rape to “NO, what you did was 100%; it was also about all of the other abuse I have gone through. And though they weren’t there to investigate that, going forward gave me the voice to say to each and every person that took something from me abusively that what they did was wrong and that I was going to start standing up for myself. Since there is no prosecution for any of those cases I am taking care of myself and my girl, taking control back of our lives and taking us somewhere healthy.
I do realize that when I come back that everything will still be here but like my therapist says if I take care of me and my (*Parts) first then everything else falls into place easier, even with and for Abigail. She’s been off kilter as well. It’s usually because we are bound together so tightly spiritually that she knows I’m off balance before I do. My going into the hospital was incredible tragic to her. She didn’t know where I was or what was going on.
All I could say was that “Mommy went to the hospital so she could get better and be a better mommy and a better Bethany.” She hardly asked any questions but that’s how she is. The silent type, when it gets to be too much she explodes. That’s why I am hoping Portland will be good; there will be things for us to do. We won’t be stuck in the house all day AND there will be other kids for her to play with.
The clincher is that when we get to Montana there will be horses. That is pretty much all I had to say and she started drooling.
If you are reading this and are one of the people who contributed THANK YOU. Your love is very clearly felt and I appreciate this gift deeply.
I can already feel like a transformation is going to happen.